Day 3 - Alive, on principle

It's Monday

It is my firm belief that a moral man, once born, is supposed to stay alive until some event or occurrence beyond his control forces him to cease to exist. That is my principle.

It is a derivative of many other principles, most of which have to do with wanting good things for other people.

Yesterday was the "I wish I were dead" -day of the week. Some weeks have several of them. For the last four-and-a-half years I have not had a single week that would have had none, but have experienced several months' worth of weeks that had seven.

When a man wants good things to other people, but is not able to deliver, his own life becomes quite unbearable. He observes that he is incapable of living up to his own standards. When the unbearability reaches a certain point, one or many of several possible events take place. Perhaps the most common one is that he starts to drink. Perhaps the most effective one is that one kills oneself.

Both of the possibilities are bad because they violate the same principles that caused the original unbearability.

To drink is to cause pain to those you love. To kill yourself is to cause pain to those you love. But because you could not love, you must drink. And because you could not love, you must kill yourself.

This is the love-trap.

It is a form of circular reasoning. And the one doing the reasoning is the faceless guy called Causality.

The back of our brain, that which is no different from that of an animal, is not aware of this. It only reports whatever it is that it needs to report, namely that the reality does not meet your expectations. You are falling short of your own principles, no matter where you turn. You failed to love, and drinking helps. But to drink is to fail to love too, and that feels exactly the same as the original failure.

So you need more drink, to keep Mr. Hyde at bay.

And the circle goes round and round.

Suicide is just so much easier. It's like ripping off the band-aid, compared to the slow agony of drink.

It is difficult to say which is less painful to those you, on principle, are trying to love.

So here I am. Still alive. Also no longer drinking. Not abstaining from alcohol, though. Just no longer drinking. There's a difference.

I have been cornered by my own principles, and the only way out is to fight.

Fight to learn how to show love.